Why do men cheat, exactly?
According to research, it may be that he’s beginning a new decade of life. Dr. Justin Lehmiller explains that being at an age ending in a 9 (i.e. 39, 49, and 59) prompts us to reflect upon the meaningfulness of our lives.
The research seems hard to believe, doesn’t it?
You might notice that men tend to approach relationships differently than women. But, maybe that’s untrue. Maybe they approach them in the same way but other factors are involved, which creates this idea that connecting with someone else intimately is okay.
When there isn’t open dialogue going on in your relationship, your mind creates stories, fantasies, or nightmares about your current situation. This, in turn, leads to other thoughts about your partner and the nature of your relationship. And he may be having these thoughts about you and his relationship with you.
Based on the story he has of you and his relationship with you, he might dive off into a whole fantasy world on what his world looks like.
He’s bored of his life
A cheating husband has gotten to the point where he’s bored of his life. He may have a job that he doesn’t really like anymore. Or, he thinks that he’s had to give up some of his interests in order to be with you. He might be sick and tired of the day to day routine of living, full stop!
The routine of getting up, going to work, putting the garbage out, feeding the dog, and driving the kids to their interests — he’s sick of it all.
Notice that this has nothing whatsoever to do with you. It’s his life that he’s unhappy with. And yet, in order to break the routine, he might just chat up someone that he meets on the train or bus on the way home.
He’s looking for some form of excitement
If he’s bored, he may think he needs some excitement in his life.
He’ll go and do something different — visit a new place, be with different people, and try something new.
And we all know that in a new place, everything looks exciting, right? The excitement leads to hormonal changes in the body and away we go.
Now, in this space, he might think that he’s not looking for anything, but it will only take a woman to show an interest in him and he’ll jump right in.
That’s exciting. He’s fulfilled his fantasy.
He’s having his own identity crisis
His wanting some excitement may be connected to him having his own identity crisis.
Sure, that may have something to do with turning 40, or 50, or 60 years old (or it might not). Or, there may have been something very simple that set off this “crisis”.
Maybe he started comparing himself to one of his best mates. Or perhaps he thought back to his ideal life in College and thinks that he now doesn’t measure up.
Again, this is all about him and who he thinks he is, in relation to you. Nothing to do with you.
He thinks you’re not giving him what he needs in the relationship
He believes in his story that you’re not giving him what he needs.
Sure, he might have told you there are things you’re not giving him and he thinks you understood him. But did you? Did you really hear what it was or was he unclear and you had no idea what he was talking about?
Most men struggle to clearly articulate what their wants and desires are. Yes, that’s a generalization. But, if he was able to clearly tell you what it was he needed in your relationship, maybe this wouldn’t even be an issue.R
He’s killed off your relationship (in his mind)
You might find that he’s already killed off your relationship in his mind and he just hasn’t said anything.
Nothing like having your man tell you that for him, in his mind, your relationship ended five years ago and, yet, he didn’t say anything. It happens.
For his own reasons, he will stay in the relationship and if the opportunity presents itself, he will jump into an affair. Why wouldn’t he? He doesn’t feel connected to you anymore.
There’s an opportunity in understanding all of these reasons why men cheat: You can begin to have more open conversations with your cheating spouse.
Share with him how you’re feeling. Ask him how he’s feeling about your relationship.
The more open you are with him, the more likely he will be to fully open up to you, too.
This is also more likely to lead to openness and an opportunity to discuss and negotiate changes in your relationship, for both of you.
No one-sidedness here. You need to discuss how you can both satisfy the needs you have that you believe you’re not getting in your relationship.