M K Tayal: As the Central and state governments are grappling with the Covid 19 pandemic, it is becoming certain that Lockdown is here to stay. Though, they still haven’t figured out how to go about it, but it is certain they gonna lift the veil like the new weds on the first night that many remember with suppressed smiles.
And this home locked-in situation is impacting the people in more ways than one. Besides the financial and economic aspects, the lockdown is now affecting the mental health of the people. “It is changing the way we perceive things, how we are behaving, and our social and personal relations,” says eminent psychiatrist Dr Samir Parikh, Director, Mental Health and Behavioral Department, Fortis Health Care.
And people are beginning to appreciate finer aspects of life and much more which were earlier taken for granted. “I just want to visit the Ganga,” quipped a friend after being in the home-bound situation for nearly five weeks. It made me wonder, why Ganga all of a sudden from a guy who is not particularly religious and never has displayed vocal love for nature in as many words.
The trigger is lack of freedom. “You know I am just waiting for this lockdown to end.” I asked him, “And then what…” The answer is obvious. Anything but just want this to end.
Hope they grill some sense in the man of the moment, Prime Minister Mr Narendra Modi. Sir, there is something called being caged, he said.
Though the number of cases in the country has increased to 30k and number of deaths crossed 1,000, mostly people have been frightened by the Media also. Though ‘stay home, stay safe’ is the common denominator in social media messages that float around in groups, personal relations are taking a hit.
Boredom and stress has crept in strong measure. Those not feeling frightened by the looming threat of corona are getting this feeling too. A cousin of mine in Uttar Pradesh, very social active surrounded by friends and acquaintances most of the time, jokingly admitted that he was reaching the stage 2 of mental disorder. He had no idea when he went from stage 1 to stage 2? But the point was he bored of being alone, drinking alone with no physical interaction. He admitted it was telling on him.
Craving to go out
People are getting anxious, craving for small things which were earlier taken for granted. A long drive just outside the town, holding the hand of your lover on the curvy winding roads of the hills, a road side cuppa tea, that yummy golgappa wala at the corner of the market, that smoke and that sip of whiskey, those beautiful girls in the city square, hanging out with friends in the college campus yakking sweet nothings, those trips to the swanky malls, binging in the local pub… Reminiscence those little things or getting a memory loss! But it is real. And happening all around us.
And this corona virus is throwing up new questions – How will we see movies in the local multiplex? When will the restaurants open and what will be the seating arrangements be like? If shaking hands will be a passé, will Indian Namaste or the Japanse bow be the new form of greeting worldwide? Why are they not allowing people to pray: Is this social distancing from God a little uncalled for? Using condoms to counter AIDS was acceptable but how will sex be in the social distancing era that will be thrust upon us? And what about marriages; will they allow large gatherings and receptions? What about education in classroom and how will they maintain social distancing in cramped spaces? And many more…
Impacting bedroom activities
The stress and boredom is directly impacting relations. People who could earlier have extricated themselves with those infrequent sex sessions giving workload or stress as excuses, are having to answer touchy questions. As husbands and wives are locked in, with no excuses to spare, couples are sexed out or deprived, depending on the situation they have been trapped in. To do it or not to do it is the question? When to do it and how….? In various living situations, sex is a big draw.
Divorce rates in China spiked post corona virus. India may be in the same situation. A friend, Sushma (name changed) a working woman in late twenties, spent her time with her family. She is staying with her husband, a respected class A job in the government and a kid. The couple are now fighting constantly with ample sprinkling from the other family member (read MiL who is based in other city altogether). Sushma is now seeking a job in another city. Though she did not accept the problems upfront, but the problems inside the house were evident. The issues – family, expectations, too much screen time and no outlet. “There is too much trauma,” says Sushma. But later, admitted to the lack of bedroom activity but froze to friendly counseling. It is a precursor to divorce.
And there are palpable tensions in many households. “Divorce rates will increase post lockdown,” reveals a friend who says it with some authority.
Sex is the underlying key in relations. Research suggests that sexual satisfaction plays a pivotal role in healthy relationships. While earlier, certain unpleasant issues were pushed under the carpet, with confined spaces and all-time availability, distasteful arguments are pushing couples away. As such lack of bedroom activity, is adding to the overall boredom and stress.
However, there is a need to kindle the understanding that is the hallmark of relationships. The time available at hand can be used to develop understanding and building compatibility. In every challenging situation, you should look for an opportunity. So here is the chance. Use this phase positively.
Address the question not whether you are compatible to your partner but how compatible you are. Discuss if you share some basic values. You already know the basic values of each just; build on them. If you both have strong egos, learn to balance and sort who should speak when situations become unpleasant. Take turns speaking. However, it is not always good to point out your partners flaws in the heat of the moment. Take time. Let the tide pass and then calmly bring up the subject at a convenient time when both of you are in the mood.
Here are some quick tips for fostering understanding and breaking a deadlock.
- Share your thoughts. But it does not necessarily mean you have to tell everything to your partner. But be honest with each other.
- Give space and don’t be over bearing. Over possessive and keeping a constant tab are negative traits that partners don’t like. Be ready to listen but not enquire too much.
- Share your intellectual ideas.
- Build on your mutual interests. And take in interest in your partners works.
- Come to a decision. A happy couple is the one that is able to take decisions. Let one partner take lead in taking household decisions.
- You should know your limits but don’t draw lines and make strict boundaries. It is better to clarify but avoid no go zones. Let your partner free.
- Don’t bring out past in any current argument. Let the past remain there. When both partners hold on to the past, one should learn to let go.
- Drop your ego. Don’t build a high wall and even if you do, leave a window open. Never corner your partner without an escape.
- Most important – Never presume. Solution – Always ask.
- Don’t be judgmental – even though it is in your nature. Don’t draw conclusions. Solution: Ask.
- Rationally dispose off your disagreements.
- Don’t wear masks with other and in front of each other. (Though is mandatory in Corona lockdown to wear mask in public).
- Don’t hide your feelings. Share and tell your feelings.
- Don’t point a finger. She will break it or worse. Remember, when you point a finger, three fingers are pointing at you.
- Answer questions: Are you attracted to each other, not necessarily in a sexual way? Just sexual attraction and lust is short-lived.
- But take part in sexual activities. Share your fantasies. Let your partner explore you.
So, couples can work on the compatibility angle and build a solid relationship. Treat this period as an opportunity.
Memes for every situation
But thank god and technology that has come to the rescue of people in these trying times. People are more connected with the outside world than inside the four walls of their houses. And memes and online humour captures these stressful times, bringing smiles on faces.
Learn to cope with boredom, select some preferred activities laugh a little, talk a bit more and open channels of communication.
Follow normal routine, Sleep and wake up on time, Do yoga/exercises, Eat your meals together, Pick up a hobby – Music, writing, painting etc., Play together – be it a board game, dumb charades or even antakshari etc., Call friends and include children in video calls.
